I’m getting over COVID.
It’s been quite the fucking journey, I’ll tell you what.
And the timing? Truly could not have been worse—and I still have a nagging sore throat that just won’t quit combined with absolutely no energy. I keep having to spend money I don’t have thanks to being forced into taking out a predatory loan a few weeks ago when my alternator failed in my car.
My stress level has been high and my bank account is constantly overdrawn. I don’t really see a way out for at least the next six months–I’ll just have to keep juggling cash advances and overdraft fees. Even my pending raise at work was delayed once again. Yay.
I’ve canceled (or downgraded to free versions) all my subscriptions. I’ve quit all hobbies and vices that cost repeated sums of money. I’ve even cut out as many supplements and medications as possible. I’m not really complaining about this part, but I am complaining that it’s barely made a dent. My only remaining distraction at the moment is my stupid little reality show, Big Brother, and the BB27 online community that surrounds it.
I haven’t really been on anything resembling a ‘vacation’ since well before my mom died in 2020. Little trips here and there, but nothing over one night away after a show that was getting out too late to drive back from. And, I definitely haven’t stepped foot on a beach in more than a decade.
Life is starting to feel like a constant struggle again after a brief reprieve. And that’s all before I even attempt to turn on the TV and watch any news.
When I had my car troubles, my bestie Jacob was the only person to offer me any real support in the form of being physically present and keeping me from getting too upset about everything. I reached out to my family, but they were all too busy. Which means they aren’t even the superficial support system I thought they were.
My former step-dad? The guy who pretended like he’d ‘always be there for me’ after my mom died? He literally chose yard work over trying to help me jump my car and didn’t even follow up to see if things worked out?
My actual father? Offered some advice based off the presumption I was an idiot who would try and get it all fixed at a Pep Boys.
My sister was dealing with the hectic summer before starting to home school my nephews and my niece going off to college. So she was supportive, but in the detached way you might be if you see a disaster on the news. She’s also my sister and not remotely a parental figure to me, so that was honestly enough–and I know if worst came to worst, she would have found some way to help. But in the context of everything else it definitely made me feel worse as I basically only had the weekend to get it all figured out.
The alternator timing could have been worse–I had just taken out a debt consolidation loan to zero out all my credit cards, so I had some wiggle room. But, it’s expensive not having a car for about a week. So at the end of it all, they’re back to maxed out but now with an extra 250 coming out of each paycheck for the loan that was supposed to replace the card payments in my shoe-string budget. And it’s gonna be that way for the rest of the year. Not to mention, I accepted a predatory rate in exchange for reducing my 5 card payments to one 250 payment each paycheck (the same the total card payments were).
Then, a couple of weeks later, I go to an Of Montreal concert in Birmingham that I got tickets for eight months prior. It was an amazing show. Very cathartic. Much needed. And I managed to spend very little money by packing snacks and car pooling.
I got COVID at this show. D:
Treating COVID symptoms is expensive as fuck.
Wanna know if I heard from either of my supposed father figures while I was barely able to move at home and having to work from home because I couldn’t even afford to take sick days?
Nope.
Luckily, on the day after the worst of it (it peaked about 4 days in) my sister did send a care package for me to make some hot toddies. Clutch because I had just run out of cold meds.
That brings me up to this past week. I had to go back to the office, and it’s been rough. The lingering exhaustion, congestion, and sore throat have been annoying as hell. And, I can’t concentrate worth a shit at the moment.
This week my sister’s been asking if I can look after the dogs while they go on a trip. I didn’t really think too much about it and said it was a hard ‘maybe’ depending on how I’m feeling. Thursday, I gave a hard ‘no’ because I’m feeling like shit.
Through the COVID fog, I couldn’t even remember what the trip was or where or who with. That part was moot to me, I try and help as much as I can and just couldn’t. But I’m pretty glad I didn’t after this morning.
It’s a beach trip with our dad for his birthday?
My dad and my sister talk on the phone weekly. I get texts when he needs something, my birthdays, and Christmases. I would hope she told him I had COVID. If not, I mean, shit, does he even ask about me?
I haven’t heard shit from him while I’ve been sick as hell and unable to even afford cough drops because my account is perpetually overdrawn from the alternator+COVID shit show.
Above all else, I miss my mom right now. She would have been so annoying and constantly asking after me the last week or so, but I’d also know, deep down, that everything was gonna be alright. Someone, anyone, was looking out for me.
As it stands, I’m barely holding on and barely even motivated to. What’s the fucking point?
I’ve cut back on everything. It still isn’t enough. I’m eating eggs and/or ramen for every meal. It still isn’t enough. I’m turning down any and all things that would even cost gas. Still not enough. Nicotine stuff? Done with, couldn’t afford it if I wanted. Still not enough.
I’ve fallen overboard, I’m drowning. But, there’s a party and fights on the deck of life’s cruise ship, so no one can hear me screaming as I fight to tread water.
No one reads my site. I know this. But on the off chance anyone stumbles across this and feels the urge to help out any, you can send me money via these payment links:
I was tracking it against the amount my alternator cost, $878.00, but once COVID got into the mix, it all got too complex to even do math about. Not to mention, any small amounts friends were able to send got eaten by the overdraft fees that now hit my account like clockwork twice a month until that predatory loan gets paid off.
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